Famous Quotes by Mark Twain
Below are famous quotes by Mark Twain - US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 - 1910).
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
[He was] a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be led by the nose.
A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence -- and then success is sure.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
At the beginning of a great national change, the patriot is a scarce man: scorned, ridiculed and forgotten. When his cause succeeds, however, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Carlyle said, "A lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them.
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds upon the heel that crushes it.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth - he could not even lie.
Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. (Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.)
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Golf is a good walk, ruined.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I can live two months on a good compliment.
I did it partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.
I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved it.
I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I have spent most of my time worrying about thigs that have never happened.
I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
I was born modest. Not all over, but in spots.
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?
If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man.
In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.
In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
It could probably be show by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
It is noble to teach oneself, it is still nobler to teach others.
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it....
October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Others are July, January, April, September, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre but they are more deadly in the long run.
Somewhere between the Angels and the French lies the rest of humanity.
Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
The holy passion of Friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
There are times when one would like to end the whole human race, and finish the farce.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.
There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones; it can lift men to angelship.
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
There ought to be a room in every house to swear in.
This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.
Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
We all have thoughts that would shame the devil.
We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.
We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly.
We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
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